"I Thank My God, When I Think of You...."

Sick day....I've finally hit the wall.  I just couldn't go in there one more time. At age 57, I'm still a wuss when it comes to conflict, and I still desperately need mental health days.  Not just mental/emotional health; I've had a killer headache for days.....due in part, I'm sure, to the very dry, cold weather we've been having for the past week, but mostly as a result of my job.

We are two days from Thanksgiving. Somehow, I thought that by the time I was this age, life would be more settled, even-keeled, satisfying. And it's not. I am in a job that a year ago was terrific, but starting in January 2013 became a daily nightmare. It's been 11 months of water torture; bit by bit, day by day, the erosion of spirit and purpose in that office has become downright toxic. So, I'm home, trying to figure out how to be thankful for all the blessings in my life - and there are many - when all I can see is a job that has gone rapidly south, five years until retirement, a mountain of debt, and a 27 year old in my family room...

I know, oh how I know, it could be much worse....it HAS been much worse...there have been many episodes of unemployment, of not knowing how we'd scrape together the mortgage payment and keep the cars alive....I remember them vividly, which is good. Keeps one grounded and appreciative. But the thought of doing this for another five years or more is so exhausting and demoralizing, I'm not sure how I'll survive. But there are things/people for which I am deeply thankful, and I have to remember them:

1. Tim - 'nuff said.

2. Brian and Andrew - two of the three greatest gifts I've ever received.

3. Liz and Jean - the young woman who loves my son, and her mother, who is like my sister.

4. My siblings, siblings-in-law, and our nieces and nephews - I hit the jackpot on all counts - nothing inspires me more than watching our nieces/nephews create their lives, and seeing their friendships with one another.

5. Our great Nieces and great-Nephews (we're comin' up on #4 and #5) - cuteness personified! Carbon copies of their parents, who are phenomenal parents.

  

 
 6. My "Bezzes" - they know who they are, don't ask me to explain the term. I think it's safe to say I would not have reached adulthood without them.

  
 
 








7. My Tiare Hills friends - therapy taking a walk. They are my lifeline, my walking buddies, sounding boards, and giggling companions. I don't know how other people exist without this kind of neighborhood.

  









8. My Santa Clara friends - Few people can say they have maintained the kind of quality and longstanding friendship that we enjoy....don't get to see each other often, but we just pick up where we left off.  They alone are worth more than the tuition.

9. Holy Redeemer Parish  - THIS is the kind of community that embodies the church. What wonderful, caring, warm, funny people they are - everyone is welcome, cherished, included. And the Notre Dame score updates before Mass are just another perk.

     

 







10. Home - not just our beautiful, comfy house, but its neighborhood, the region of WA/OR in the Northwest, with spectacular scenery in every direction - the glory of 5 mountain days, mauve sunrises and sunsets, ocean waves, winter storms, everything about this place is home.

THERE - I feel much better now.  Reminds me of the quote, "If the only prayer you ever say is Thank You, that is enough".  Or, from the letter of St. Paul to the Phillippians, "I thank my God when I think of you".  And I do. Oh, how I do.

"Will you still need me, will you still feed me....."

This has been a strange month.....normally, I love September; a gradual change in the seasons, with its own endearing qualities....a shift in the type of daily activities, weekend must-dos, and clothes in the closet. But this year, September has been just a bit wacko.  It began and ended with fairly ferocious rainstorms, which wouldn't be a big deal if it were November or January, but is unusual for September. During the first week, darling husband's brother arrived (TOTAL surprise to His Highness) for said husband's 60th birthday celebration.  The actual birthday, mind you, was a full month earlier, but I think too much of a good thing is wonderful, so we stretched out the celebrations for about 6 weeks: first, a backyard BBQ with assorted friends from the neighborhood, the office, and our church; next, an actual day-of party with just the two of us and one son; and last, a wine-tasting event at Maryhill Winery in Goldendale, WA for which brother-in-law was kind enough to join us. Tim thought I was off to Book Club for the evening; unbeknownst to him, it had been cancelled, which provided the perfect excuse to take the car (it was pouring rain) and head for the airport to retrieve John.  I was quite pleased that Tim was thoroughly, completely, and happily surprised when I arrived home from "Book Club" somewhat early, and explained that there was nothing great being discussed, so I brought home something far more interesting - enter Big Bro.

On Saturday, which was warm, sunny and gorgeous, we piled in the car and headed east up the Columbia Gorge for the two hour drive. Maryhill is a relatively new winery - within the past dozen years - VERY isolated, as is most everything that far east, but hosts a fabulous view of the surrounding cliffs and river.  Also, happily, has some wicked good wines! We had a lovely tour, followed by a HUGE tasting - probably more than we could effectively judge.  Then we bought a picnic lunch and a bottle of one of the ones we all liked, and sat outside listening to live jazz.  A most civilized way to spend a Saturday!

 John's visit was just the tonic needed to dispel the feelings that plagued hubby - sixty already? Was this all there was? Shouldn't I have accomplished more by now?  Really, a happy marriage, two pretty awesome kids, great friends, a nice home and a decent job are not too shabby ways to describe a life of quality. And in his heart of hearts, he knows that, but the arrival of the number itself kind of threw him for a loop.  It's what comes as the result of a strong work/family ethic combined with the lack of desire to make a million bucks - sometimes one precludes the other.

Now, the month is ending on a very different note: I'm playing Florence Nightingale as Tim recovers from some - ahem - "guy surgery", which is all I'll say about that, except to acknowledge that I HATE being on this end of the equation - Tim has always been the one taking care of me.  And while I am not a particular fan of surgery or illness, I would much rather be the one in pain - at least I KNOW with certainty the degree of discomfort. When I'm on the nurse end of things, I can't be sure if he's downplaying his pain to make me feel better (as I often did when the shoe was on the other foot).  I don't like - at ALL - seeing him that vulnerable.  That he reached this age without having ANY kind of anesthesia (even novocaine!), much less any surgery, is testament to his incredible state of good health.  But it also meant that we had no idea how his body would react to anesthesia, and knowing how badly I react to it, I was terrified on his behalf.  But I had to put on my brave, optimistic, smiley face for his benefit, even when he almost passed out the first evening we were home.  Recovery has required my assistance with some of the basic skills: showering, eating, dressing, etc., and I had a horrible sense of foreboding....will it someday be like this permanently instead of temporarily?  To his credit, Tim was a lovely patient - calm, good-humored, appreciative.  But he has always been MY protector, not the other way around, and it's very unsettling. And it means we're not 19 anymore. Which I knew intellectually, but generally refused to face with my heart.

Tomorrow he returns to the doctor for his followup appointment, removal of drains, and clearance to return to work, which is planned for Tuesday.  Maybe then life will return to whatever normal is; all the milestones of the year will be finished, and we'll slide into the holidays. I can't add any more grey hair than I've already got, but I think there just may be an additional scar on my heart.....

Stay tuned.....

"She's Real Fine, My 409..."

I've been pretty lucky when it comes to driving; over the past 42 years, only been remotely involved in 2 or 3 fender bender type accidents, none of which were my fault.  So I guess it was bound to happen eventually - while on his way home from his last night of finals, our son Andrew was in an accident. I want to be clear about this - it was not his fault!  As he was leaving a stoplight, some jackass decided it was a good idea to TEXT her way down the freeway off-ramp, and rear-ended our Subaru - which hit the car in front of it, which hit the car in front of it. A total of four cars involved and guess who took the brunt of it? You got it - ours. Really, the damage isn't visibly extensive - she got the rear passenger bumper and shoved it into the rear passenger tire, so that it rubs when driven. With a Subaru, you don't just replace ONE tire, you replace them as a set of 4. So it sits in our garage.

But today, the powers that be - AKA insurance companies - decided in their wisdom that my car is essentially totalled, and they'd be happy to give me $3K to take it off my hands. But I can't replace it for that! And, if I want to get it fixed, they'll deduct $700 from that price! 'Scuse me? It's MY car, completely paid for, I pay the insurance premiums, and you're gonna DEDUCT money if I want to fix it? Something is really wrong here.....

The best thing is that Drew was not hurt. Furious, yes, but not hurt. And that is what matters most. But it seems to me that if someone causes injury or damage as the result of doing something STUPID with their 3 ton weapon, we shouldn't simply suspend their license - we already know they don't play by the rules - they should forfeit their vehicle!!!  Somewhere in Clark County, there is an obnoxious, clueless, not-very-bright woman driving around in her late model Outback with nary a scratch, and MY car is about to be totalled!!!  I WANT THAT WOMAN'S CAR!!!!!

Ouch....

My trunk no longer closes...

Double Ouch....

 

THIS is totalled????

"Keep Calm and Marry On..."

Ah, true love...is there anything more uplifting or encouraging? To think that one couple's relationship can change their world, and perhaps change ours?  The Wedding was May 25, and I have to say it went better than I expected.  Every wedding has "stories"; the little things that happen and create anecdotes that last forever.  If your wedding is "perfect", you probably spent too much time worrying about the day instead of what it means to be married.  But that's just me.  Brian and Liz had an absolutely beautiful day, and a lovely ceremony with family and good friends, as they hoped for. Was it the party to end all parties as we would have liked? No, of course not.  But who cares? It was fun, we were with people we loved, we enjoyed each other's company, the pictures will be spectacular, and that's really all that mattered. It brought back memories of our own wedding, almost 35 years ago - looking at Brian at the top of the aisle reminded me of looking at Tim when I was the one processing. And now, I'm the one watching, gaining the daughter we never had. I wish for them every joy and happiness they dream of, and not as much of the other stuff, although I know it will come.

"Starting here, starting now, when we walk, we'll walk together, year by year, starting here...."

It's been quite a while since I visited to write. The reasons don't matter much, except to me.  Suffice it to say that I've been somewhat bruised, and it's taken me this long to feel brave enough to continue.

Our son is getting married on Saturday. If you want to be picky, he's already married - he and Liz had a civil ceremony in November, which I described in a previous post. This one will be in a church, which surprises me no end.  Not because they don't believe in marriage as a sacrament, but because Brian tends to have issues with authority, and the Catholic Church is nothing if not authoritative. But it's what they wanted, and that's fine with me. As I've said before, I'm a sucker for weddings, be they in a church, on a beach, at a winery, whatever. So I'll go to as many as I'm invited to, and they've been nice enough to invite me to this one!

I can't wait to see him in a tux. Or, for that matter, see his dad and his brother in tuxes. That's another thing that makes me drool - guys in tuxes. And my three guys are handsome in raggy old jeans, so the tux thing can only make it better! At the same time, I know that vision will reduce me to tears; passage of time, handing over the baton, all that stuff. I will miss my family of origin.  Mom & Dad have "mezzanine seats", but none of my siblings or Brian's McCarthy cousins could afford to make the trip - a combination of no money or new babies, or more likely, both. So the only McCarthy representatives will be my Chicago cousins and their spouses, all of whom I adore, and who have known me since I was a pup, and known Brian for the last few years. So that will ease my loneliness somewhat.

And then there are those Deans.....Tim's family will be there in droves. Every single sibling and spouse, and one of Bri's cousins - the first Dean grandchild. And I REALLY love those guys - we are guaranteed to have a blast even if no one else shows up! I know it will all go too quickly, and by Sunday we'll all be thoroughly exhausted. But this is a family milestone. And I just gotta be there. Pictures and stories to follow....